This post is basically a list of things that get my goat about other people’s behaviour towards babies. Things that would go into my very own Room 101. They range from mildly obsessive (on my part) to what I consider perfectly reasonable grounds for despair.
- Playing pass the parcel – figuratively speaking
By this I mean taking it turns to pick up my baby and pass her around the room. I’m all for cuddles, but babies also need downtime and space to kick. Plus I resent her sweet milky smell being replaced by someone else’s strong perfume. - Shoving unwashed fingers (or toys) into their mouths
Before this precious being I have brought into the world has had anything other than breast milk to swallow, I would prefer it if random people avoided shoving their dirty fingers into her sweet little mouth. It’s an awkward one to avoid; especially in someone else’s house. I once tried saying ‘ooh! Maybe a toy instead!’ but before I could hand over her fabric caterpillar book, a grime-encrusted plastic rattle was shoved into her mouth instead. Now I’m all for a bit of dirt to build up a child’s or an older baby’s immunity, but grubby hands in a newborn’s mouth is another matter entirely. - Not calling things by their proper names
A bird is a bird. Not a birdie, or a birdie wurdy. And a horse is a horse. Not a horsey. And a dog is not a doggy woggy. And a poo is not a poo poo. You get the gist. As much as I don’t want to come across as a spoilsport, I fail to see the point of teaching your tiny offspring a whole new language, only for them to have to learn the real, more concise names a few years down the line. But I suppose I should really tolerate ‘pussy cat’ and ‘piggy’ since they’re found in nursery rhymes. So are doggy and horsey, come to think of it… - Vests with emotive slogans: ‘I love mummy’
Yes, I’m sure most babies adore their mummy/ daddy/ grandma etc. But they’ll have plenty of opportunity to express their own sentiments in years to come, without needing them to be emblazoned across their chest. I know it’s meant as a bit of fun, but something still rankles. ‘Little princess’ is another bugbear of mine. If, on the other hand, it’s facts not feelings we’re dealing with, then it’s a slightly different matter. A quick Google image search revealed there are some pretty dodgy babywear slogans out there, but one did make me smile: ‘Sorry ladies, my daddy’s taken.’ Not forgetting, either, that we silently announced my second pregnancy with a vest that Tinytoes wore with the words: “I’m going to be a big sister.” - Nappy changing bystanders
Q:How many people do you need to change a nappy? A: one. This one goes out to people who like to gather around to watch nappy changes, bath times or other intimate baby moments. From a practical point of view, it just isn’t helpful. Microtoes is a very wriggly baby and nappy changing needs to be fast and slick to ensure the new nappy is on before she has flipped over. Distractions or unwanted interventions tend to result in shit-flicking disaster. On another level, it feels slightly voyeuristic to be gathered around staring at my baby’s naked butt when there is clearly no other purpose to be there. Ditto for bath times: for space reasons alone there is no need for more than two adults to be standing and staring in a small bathroom while two babies are being bathed. Thank goodness no one has yet tried to observe breastfeeds….
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Calamitous Mummy 